why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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