FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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