The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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