I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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