I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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