Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
