I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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