he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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