I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
