He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
