dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
