I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize