Can i not drive my cunt home
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
