I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize
