You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
