what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
