U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
