please come you make the beer taste better
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
