Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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