; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
