so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
