but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
