come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
