i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize