You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
