I feel great
I just peed on a car
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
