Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
