god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
