The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm passing your future prison.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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