I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
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