I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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