I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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