Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize