Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
