I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize