so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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