We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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