Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
