It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
