Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
