Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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