i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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