nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
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