my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
