There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
