are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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