Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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