3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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