Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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