Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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