Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
