drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
