I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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