Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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