On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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