My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
