i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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