I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
