I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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