I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
