I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize