Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
