you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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