My Higher Power is John Stamos
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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