I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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