My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
zippers are such a cool invention
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize