He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize