What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
