Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
she told me i tasted like america
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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