Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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