I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
