It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
