Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
