I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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