absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
be right there i have to get my cape
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize