She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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