she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
