My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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